Thursday 7th September. The day this whole nightmare became our reality. The day a piece of my heart left me. The day we buried our son.

The night before had been spent barely sleeping. I’ve often talked about feeling breathless. Like I can’t catch my breath or forget to breathe. The night before Shayen’s funeral I literally thought that I was going to need oxygen or something. I just couldn’t breathe. It was the longest night of my life. I just didn’t know how I was going to be able to get through the day. Would I just break down and not be able to do it? What if we buried him and then I remembered something I wanted to do… how would I live knowing I forgot to do something for his last funeral rites?

We woke up to Niva charging into our room. We had decided that Niva was too young to be part of a funeral so she was going to go to nursery like she usually did on a Thursday. Her nursery had told us that we could leave her there for as long as we wanted, to allow us to get through the day. So we got her ready and Kevin dropped her off. She had no idea what was going on that day which made me feel at ease as I couldn’t have handled her being any different. I gave her the hugest cuddle that morning which in turn gave me strength. I needed to take control of this day. I was a mother and my son and daughter needed me to hold it together. So that’s exactly what I did.

Whilst Kevin was gone, I had a shower and started getting ready. We had put bhajans (Religious Indian songs) on in the house to try and keep us calm. I did some yoga breathing to help me remain composed. Everyone attending the funeral had a colour that they needed to wear. Kevin had bought brightly coloured ties in each colour of the rainbow – red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple. All the men were going to be wearing a tie with their suits and the ladies were just going to wear one of the colours. It was going to be a very small funeral – just our parents, siblings, Reena and one of Kevin’s Aunts and Uncles.

Kevin and I had chosen to wear red. So I put on a red dress and cardigan, some black tights and planned to wear my boots. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining brightly. It was 8am by the time we were both ready. We had told everyone to be at our house by 9 as Shayen was arriving at 10. We needed to be at the cemetery by 11 so this gave us enough time.

I sat in our living room and waited. I got up and cleaned my kitchen. Found things to tidy so that I was busy. I felt like I needed to throw up as knots had started forming in my tummy. How could life be so cruel? We tried to be such good people and lived our lives understanding the laws of karma. Why did God do this to us? What had we done to deserve such pain? These questions still often come into my mind but I have learnt that questions and thoughts like these can actually drive you crazy as there are just no answers. There’s a quote in the Bhagavad Gita which I read a lot and it’s exactly how I try and make sense of what has happened. It goes “What has happened, has happened for good. What is happening is also for good. Whatever shall happen shall also be for good.” I now believe that for reasons I will never know or understand, God knew what he was doing by taking Shayen. Shayen had a greater destiny that he needed to fill and I take comfort knowing that he’s in God’s hands. God is the only other person I would trust to look after my child and the only other person I know who could look after my child probably better than I could.

Our family started to arrive at 9. I felt like I needed to get out of the house so Kevin and I went for a walk to clear our heads. We had said that it was so important for us to try and not cry on that day. I wanted Shayen to see that we were OK. I felt like if I cried, I would make it more difficult for him to be at peace and all I wanted was for his journey to heaven to be peaceful and joyful.

By the time we had walked back home it was 9:45. Shayen’s flowers were laid outside our house. We live on a close and had sent letters to our neighbours, asking them to keep the road clear for our funeral procession to arrive and leave without any issues. The road was completely clear. We waited for Shayen to arrive.

I was sat on the sofa in our living room when I saw the limo pull up outside. We had moved all of our furniture around to leave space in the middle of the room for Shayen. As Shayen’s coffin was so small, a hearse was not necessary. Kevin took my hand and we made our way outside. With Kevin on one side and me on the other, the two of us carried our son out of the car and took him into our home. I talked to him all the way, telling him that this was his home, where his room would have been, the toys he would have played with. We carefully placed his coffin onto the stand in the middle of the room. The funeral director opened his little coffin and there lay my beautiful boy. He looked so so peaceful. I didn’t cry – I just smiled at him.

Our family gathered around us. We had downloaded a set of religious mantras and songs that all meant something to us. For the first three prayers, we wanted the family to just stand with us and pray. The sounds of the Gayatri Mantra, the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra and the Hanuman Chalisa filled the air. I had sung all of these prayers daily to Shayen when I was pregnant. I started singing and focused my attention on each word I was saying. I prayed for Shayen to be at peace. I prayed for us to find peace. I prayed for my family to heal.

Once the first 3 prayers were done, I took some salt in one hand and put it into the coffin. Salt is said to purify surroundings and this was the only thing that the priest I spoke to had told me to do. After I had finished, we asked each family member to go ahead and place the items they wanted to give into Shayen’s coffin. Our parents were first and each had decided to give Shayen a small idol of a Hindu God. Ganesh and Krishna. Next were our brother and sister, who carefully placed toys from their children into Shayen’s coffin, plus a letter my sister in law had written for Shayen. Reena then put something in from her – one of her favourite necklaces with a pendant. Once everyone had finished, we asked them all to wait in the other room so that Kevin and I could have 10 minutes alone with our prince.

A lump started to form in my throat. There were three things that I wanted to do and I kept telling myself to stay calm and get through this for Shayen. I slowly unfolded the letter I had written, cleared my throat and started to read. I felt every single word and emotion that I had written. I took my time. If Shayen was listening I wanted him to feel all of my emotion too. Once I had finished, I folded the letter back up and placed it next to Shayen. I then picked up the book we had chosen to read to Shayen. A book Niva and I often read at bedtime called Guess How Much I Love You. This is an emotional book anytime it is read so reading it out loud in these circumstances was just too much. Tears started to trickle down my cheek. But I carried on and managed to finish reading it. I then placed the book inside the coffin. The last thing we wanted to do was sing a bhajan to Shayen. There was a Ganesh bhajan that we used to sing to Niva as a baby (and still do sometimes now) to put her to sleep. We felt that we owed it to Shayen to sing this bhajan to also help him to sleep. Kevin and I held onto each other and started to sing.

Sri Ganesha, Sri Ganesha, Sri Ganesha Pahimam, Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha Rakshamam. Sri Ganesha Pahimam, Jaya Ganesha Rakshamam. Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha Rakshamam. 

(Meaning: Sri Ganesha protect me; Glory to Ganesh, my protector. Sri Ganesh protect me; Victory to Ganesh my protector)

I couldn’t help it. Tears kept coming and as much as I tried I just couldn’t stop them. Life was so so unfair. I should have been singing this to him and watching his reaction. I should have had him in my arms – not in a coffin. Kevin held me tight and we both managed to compose ourselves. We then called the family back into the room so that we could say one last prayer for Shayen. The Anjali Geet. This is a prayer often said when someone passes away. We pray for the persons soul to find shelter in God’s hands.

It was time to say our final goodbyes. One by one, everyone approached Shayen to say bye. Kevin and I were the last. We both stood on either side of our son, lent over and carefully kissed his forehead. The funeral director then gave us the lid and helped us to close the coffin. Shayen Vara. His name shone brightly on the front. We then carried our son slowly out of the house and into the funeral car.

The cemetery was 5 minutes away from our house. Kevin and I sat in the funeral car with Shayen and everyone else came in their own cars. I started talking to Shayen – I actually spoke to him all the way to the cemetery. I also played him a very up beat version of the Hanuman Chalisa. I asked the driver to take a detour so that we could pass Niva’s nursery on our way. We passed our local park and I told Shayen about how we would have played on the swings. We then passed Niva’s nursery and I asked Shayen to keep an eye on his sister and watch over her always. We drove down our high street and I told Shayen about the ice cream shop where we would have enjoyed eating ice cream on a summer’s day. We passed a field with cows in it and I told Shayen how his sister always said “Good Morning” to these cows when we drove past them. We passed my old school and I told Shayen how Niva wanted to go there one day. The route we were driving was the way to my mums house, so I told Shayen that he was going to be resting near his Nana and Nani and that all of his grandparents loved him so so much. I asked him to tell God to look after our family and help them heal.

We arrived at the cemetery and the car stopped close to the entrance. I saw on the left there was a huge pile of mud, right next to another small grave that must have been buried a day or two earlier. It was away from the main cemetery and we were told that an area just for children was being made where Shayen was being buried. It made me less nervous knowing that our son was going to be away from everyone else but also had another little person next to him so he wasn’t alone. I started thinking about the family of the little person that lay in the grave next to Shayen’s. I wondered who they were, how they were feeling and how they were getting through this journey. I have found that speaking to people who have or are going through the loss of a child has really helped me. It’s like an unsaid comfort that makes you know that you aren’t alone.

We got out of the car and our family were all there already. Our funeral director sprinkled some salt into the empty grave to purify the ground. Kevin and I carried Shayen out of the car. We were going to be lowering him into the grave ourselves which made me so scared. We were using these long pieces of leather that looked like belts to lower him in and I was petrified that we were going to drop him or that he might fall out of his coffin. With the help of our family, we managed to lower Shayen into his grave. We then each took it in turns to put some mud onto him.

The sun was shining brightly. We hugged each other and shed a few tears. But we felt different. Like a huge weight had lifted. I felt like I could breathe again. I felt at peace. I felt my child close to me and it was at that moment I knew that he would never leave me. Yes I’d miss him and want for him always. But I knew he would always be close by. And to be honest since Shayen left us there have been hundreds of signs that he’s around. The rainbows, the stars, the birds, the wind, the rain. He’s always close by and when I need him he gives me a sign to show me he’s there.

We were told we could leave the cemetery and come back later once the ground had been filled again. We left Shayen’s flowers to be placed onto his grave and Kevin and I agreed that we would come back later just to add more flowers and other bits we had bought. We had decided that instead of everyone going home, we wanted to take our family out to eat. So we headed to our local Sakonis restaurant in Hatch End. When we arrived, there was a lovely tray with a rainbow made out of flowers on it and Shayen’s name in lights. I was so touched and later came to know that my dear friend Saijal had gone to the restaurant to add these very personal touches to our lunch. Shayen’s name stands proudly in lights in my house now and I switch them on practically everyday. I also want to say a huge thank you to the whole Sakonis team for making this lunch simply perfect for us. We enjoyed steaming hot tea and the selection of yummy food was made perfectly. It’s just what everyone needed after such a draining day.

We walked back home from the restaurant and decided to pick Niva up from nursery on the way. She was so happy to see her whole family. Clouds had started gathering in the sky and it looked like it was going to rain. Once most of the family had left, Kevin and I asked our parents to stay with Niva while we went back to the cemetery to see Shayen. We took some flowers with us, a blue teddy bear, some colourful windmills (one giant one) and some bumble bees that you can put into the ground. The grave had been filled with mud and a huge pile of mud sat on top. We covered Shayen’s grave with all of the items we had. The windmills immediately started whizzing round and round. Shayen’s name made out of flowers was placed on one side.

Drops of rain started to fall. Kevin and I said goodbye to our boy and went home. It rained for the rest of the day and the whole of the following day. When it rains, they say that heaven is opening its doors to an angel… it looked like Shayen had reached his new home.