One of the biggest lessons that I’ve learnt during this journey is LIFE GOES ON. It might feel like the world is standing still or that time has stopped. But it hasn’t. Birthday’s come, Christmas comes, and yes… Mother’s Day comes.

I’ve tried my hardest to just keep super busy during these milestone days. Since Shayen passed, Diwali and Christmas have been the biggest ‘events’ so far. On Diwali, I was hard at work creating a rainbow themed Diwali which included a rainbow rangoli and rainbow coloured Indian sweets. On Christmas, I hosted the day at my home and although it was hard and full of emotion, being busy made the day more bearable. I wanted to distract my mind away from missing Shayen and it worked, although it was emotionally draining.

For Mother’s Day however, I have decided that I want to keep the day as normal as possible. Maybe that’s because not only is it a milestone day but it is a day focused on me. A day about me with one of the little people celebrating it not here. I’m still not sure how I’m going to feel as the day progresses. All I know is that I want to spend the day with Kevin and Niva. We have agreed that we will take Niva to her usual morning activities and then just come home and chill out. Kevin has said that he will cook (I’ve actually woken up to hot tea bubbling away and scones baked this morning by the two of them). I’m looking forward to a perfect day.

I knew Mother’s Day was going to be a ‘trigger’ day for me. A day when I’d feel angry again and consume myself with thoughts of “what if?” My son would have been 6 months old and our lives would have been wonderfully crazy I’m sure. A day like today can make you feel like salt is being rubbed into a very deep wound. It’s just another reminder of what should have been. But this time it’s right there in your face. When you’re expecting a child, people send you cards saying ‘Happy Mother’s Day to a mummy to be’. When you have a child, people send cards as you are now part of the mum’s club. But what about that club that no one wants to be a part of? The club with so many women in it? Women who are still mothers even though they don’t have their children with them? They also deserve to be acknowledged on days like today. They are the warrior mums who have the deep emotional scars to prove it. And boy do they need that love and attention today.

People often tell me that at least I have one child. Like that should take the pain away. Believe me, having Niva is a true blessing. But she doesn’t take the pain away of losing my son. If anything, it hurts more seeing Niva have to go through this emotional roller-coaster as she is very aware that her brother is not here and misses him dearly. People also don’t know what to say to me, so I’ve received a lot of comments like “you’re young and you can have more children” or “he didn’t live so you shouldn’t be sad”. Even if I went on to have 10 more children, I will always feel the pain of losing Shayen. In addition my son did live. I knew him. He lived inside me for 9 whole months. When I get asked how many children I have I always hesitate before responding. Saying 1 is the easy response as it doesn’t then lead to what can be an uncomfortable conversation. I have never been able to bring myself to say 1. I have 2 children. And if Shayen makes other people uncomfortable, that’s actually not my problem. It’s so important to stay true to yourself. So I proudly say 2 and whatever conversation that triggers I just manage it.

I decided that I wanted to incorporate Shayen into how we celebrate Mother’s Day this year by doing some of the things I knew he would have liked. I am making some kulfi (Indian ice cream) as it’s one of the only foods that didn’t make me sick when I was pregnant so I took that as a sign that Shayen liked it! I’m also going to listen to all of the songs that I listened to when I was pregnant. We’re going to do some rainbow arts and crafts. I will go and visit Shayen’s grave today but to be honest it’s not something I feel that I need to do. I don’t feel that Shayen is there – he’s with me. He’s around me all the time. I don’t need to visit his grave to be with him. I will make sure I meditate and light some candles and will keep his name lit up in lights all day. All of these things comfort me and I made a promise that I would be kind to myself in 2018.

The only piece of advice that I can offer to all of the angel mummies out there is do what makes your soul comforted today. If that means being out and around people – do it. If it means busying yourself with household chores – do it. If it means hiding under the covers all day until the day passes – do it. This is your journey and only you know what’s right for you.

So let’s spare a thought for all the mothers and children who can’t be with each other on this very special day that we call Mother’s Day. Remember that the invisible thread holding your heart’s together can never ever be broken.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful amazing mummies out there x x x