As it’s Father’s Day, I wanted to write this piece for those fathers who are also part of the ‘bereaved parent’ club…because it does take 2 to make a baby you know?? The below has been written by me in the words of my husband, Kevin. Who like me, misses our son Shayen every single day.

Happy Father’s Day to all the Father’s out there, especially those missing their babies or children. Your little one’s are sending you lots of love and light today and always.

Papa’s Angel

This time last year, as I celebrated Father’s Day with my daughter Niva, I dreamed excitedly about what the following year would hold. Picturing life with 2 children was daunting. But thinking about this precious day with them as Niva demanded that we watch Frozen for the 100th time and a new little life excitedly celebrated his first Father’s Day with me…it seemed like a picture perfect day.

I never thought that this day would be a day that brought a little bit of sadness with it. I see the cards, the banners, the adverts. I feel a numb feeling over me. I know that the day will be made special by my girls. But this pang on my heart just won’t go. That little twitch telling me that someone’s missing. To be honest, I don’t just feel this on these milestone days. I feel it every now and then just randomly. But yes, I think about it much more on days like Father’s Day.

Being a bereaved dad has been hard. It’s like you feel like you don’t have a right to be grieving as you suddenly have this huge weight on your shoulders of being the one “looking after Priya” or “holding everyone together”. You have to make out that you have some kind of super strength that doesn’t allow emotions to get through. As somehow emotions appear to make you weak. Sounds stupid right?? Priya often heard the comment “Shayen wasn’t alive and didn’t have a life so how can you cry?” She carried him for 9 months and knew him better than anyone. If these people didn’t think she had the right to grieve, how could I even show a bit of emotion?

Well… I agree that Shayen wasn’t here and that I didn’t know him. That’s what makes me so devastated. I didn’t know him at all. I know him through what Priya told me as she felt him growing inside her. I didn’t feel his kicks. I didn’t feel his heartbeat. I didn’t feel the somersaults he did in Priya’s tummy. Yet he was half of me… that is what is the saddest part of being a bereaved dad. He was half of me and lived for 9 months and I didn’t know him.

No one really talks to me about my feelings. Men are very different. Which is fine as I don’t really like talking for the sake of talking and I prefer to open up when I’m ready to do so. I have found that I am a bit of an afterthought though. Someone will be talking to Priya about how she is and how she’s doing and if she’s coping. Then all of a sudden this light bulb will go off in their head and they’ll turn to me and ask how I am. Again, this is fine, however I can see how it can make a father feel less important then a mother.

Going back to work was one of the best things I did after losing Shayen. I actually went back days after Shayen passed. I just wanted to get away. To do something and go somewhere where I didn’t have to speak to anyone about what had happened. I could just be me and my mind could focus on something else apart from the stabbing pain in my heart. I only worked for a couple of hours in those first few days. And seeing my work colleagues was very hard as they didn’t know how to act towards me. Breaking the ice helped and as soon as they could see that I was in fact doing OK, they started to feel more comfortable being around me.

I managed to find peace quite soon after losing Shayen. And no, not because I loved Shayen any less or he was less important to me than he was to my wife. I started to think about where Shayen was. If he truly was an angel now, then he was with God. God is the only other person who I would trust to look after my child. And he could probably do a better job at looking after him than I could! Shayen was also somewhere where there was no anger, sorrow, war, disease, illness… as a parent you would do anything for your child to live such a life. If Shayen could live it but without me, I would let him go to do the best for him.

Shayen will always hold a special place in my heart. And I know he’s up there wishing me the happiest of Father’s Days today.

Love you son. Thinking of you and missing you always x