I wrote and read the following letter to Shayen on the day of his funeral. This has to be the hardest piece of writing that I have shared so far and to be honest, at first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share something so personal. However, the people who have been reading my posts have felt all of my deepest emotions with me so I decided this was something I could also share with you all.

If you have your children with you. To kiss goodnight. To wake up for at 1am. To have breakfast with. To walk to school. To talk to. To jump in muddy puddles with. To bake with. To play with. You are blessed. Never ever forget that. I am thankful for my daughter every single day.

To Our Baby Shayen

I fell in love with you the day I found out about you. It was Tuesday 20th December 2016. As the year went by, I thought of all of the ‘firsts’ we would celebrate together. Your first Diwali, your first Christmas, your first holiday. I had no idea that I wouldn’t even get the chance to see your first movement or hear your first breath. I used to sit and wonder who you would be like. Calm and funny like your Papa, loving like your Nani and Dadi, naughty like your Dada, patient like your Nana. I had no idea that I wouldn’t even get to see your first feed, your first bath or hear your first words. I used to wonder about the phases in your life. How you would feel on your first day of school, what profession you would choose. I had no idea that I wouldn’t be singing sweet bhajans to you or running after you as you crawled around the house.

Shayen, you’ve left the biggest hole in our lives and we have no idea how we are ever going to fill it. But please know that Mummy, Papa and Niva are strong and we will learn how to cope. I will cherish all of the kicks I felt with you, all of the music we listened to and even all of the times I was sick with you. We’ll remember you with every sound of the Hanuman Chalisa and every rainbow we see. I’ll think of you every time I eat kulfi or peanut butter. Because although we didn’t get to make memories with you after you were born, the 9 months you spent inside me can never be taken away.

You have taught us so much without even knowing it. At a time we thought that our faith would break, we’ve learnt that God works in mysterious ways that we will never understand. We’ve learnt how to support and lean on each other which has made us stronger together as a family. We’ve learnt to enjoy every second with your sister Niva as life is just too short and no one knows what’s around the corner.

My darling baby boy, you were sent to us for a reason and you were taken away from us to serve a bigger purpose in life. You were far too precious to be on this earth and we truly believe that you were born to be an angel. We feel honoured and privileged that God chose us to create you.

So now go and run free with the angels and dance around in the beautiful clouds

As God has chosen you to be with him, and we should feel nothing but proud

Although he has taken you from us, and our pain a lifetime shall last

Your memory will never escape us, no matter how much time goes passed

You will always be with us in spirit, and deep inside our hearts

In the rainbows, the stars, the wind and the rain, you will never ever depart

So now go and run free with the angels, as they sing so tenderly

And please be sure to tell them, to take good care of you from me

Author—Unknown

We love you baby. Shine bright for us forever x

Love Mummy, Papa and Niva x x x