The age old question. Asked again and again from one generation to the next. Debated for many years by millions of people. Questioned daily, often by people going through hard or troubling times. Does God exist?

Some argue that if a higher being did exist, tragedies wouldn’t happen in the world. If there was a greater power at work, to play the ever so important role of creator, guider and protector, why were diseases and sickness making people suffer everyday? Why were natural disasters causing mass devastation around the world? And why did children and babies die?

I have struggled so much with my faith in God. Those who know me know that my faith before losing Shayen was very strong. I prayed daily. I celebrated all Hindu festivals with all of my heart and soul. I taught Niva the importance of her faith from a very young age. God has always been a part of me. In my happiest and saddest times, I have always talked to the different Hindu Gods. Asking for strength to get me through hard times and being thankful everyday for all of the blessings in my life. But this… this left me questioning everything I had ever believed in. I was angry. I was upset. I felt so let down by my God that I couldn’t even speak about religion for a very long time. It was a very lonely feeling. Because of my anger, I felt like I couldn’t turn to the one force I had always gone to in my darkest of times. There was no light – just darkness. I was plunged into a long tunnel and I couldn’t see the light at the end. I was so low that I didn’t even think there was a light at the end. I decided that this was my life now. The emptiness, the sadness and the darkness would just be part of my new life.

BUT… and I’m not one to ever like admitting this… I was wrong. I absolutely hated people telling me that time was a great healer. How could anything heal this pain? Surely time just intensifies the loss of losing a child? It didn’t make sense. Until time passed. It’s true that time does not heal the pain. It does, however, make it a lot more bearable. If you allow it to.

For Niva’s sake, I still tried to pray and celebrate festivals. But something was different. I couldn’t get through my prayers without breaking down into floods of tears. My heart wasn’t into it and it was more of a feeling of having to pray rather than wanting to. I hated doing anything just for the sake of it. It’s not who I am. So, I allowed myself to be angry with God. I believed that if my faith was going to come back to me, it would find me again, without me having to force it back. I stopped making myself pray everyday and I didn’t allow myself to feel guilty about it. I didn’t (and still don’t) impose strict rules on myself when it came to religion. I wanted God to find me again but if he didn’t, that would be OK too. I focused my energy on being a better person. Suddenly, sitting to pray wasn’t important anymore. I found more value in helping people. I started to perform random acts of kindness. Like buying coffee and cake for homeless people when I saw them. Or offering the gas repair men on our street tea and coffee. Or even simple things like smiling and saying good morning to strangers when out in the morning.

Life continued like this for a while. But something still wasn’t right. Every time I saw my temple in my home I would feel this pull on my heart. I would shake it off immediately but it was always there. Then one day, I felt like I needed to address my issues with God. With all of the other emotions I was going through, I didn’t want to hold onto the anger anymore. I needed to let it go. I read lots about different therapies people tried to help with emotions and came across some interesting therapeutic letter writing techniques. I decided to write a letter to God. I asked questions. I allowed myself to express my anger in words (very harsh words). It took me days to complete and I felt so much better – but still so empty. So I took my letter writing one step further. I imagined what God would write back to me if he read my letter, and wrote one back to myself. It took me weeks but this exercise was truly a turning point for me. I let go of my anger and started to feel more comforted. I suddenly wanted to pray and was able to without crying hysterically. I began to feel like myself again.

My God found me after I thought my faith had gone and the relationship I have with him has evolved. I have become a better person and have reached new levels of spirituality that I didn’t even know I could attain. I still hold my religion close to me but also think that helping others is by far one of the most amazing gifts a person can give.

The purpose of this post was not to preach to people about finding God. It was far from it actually. I want people to see that there are ways to manage emotions. There are ways to face the deepest of feelings and address them so that they don’t consume us. Positive energy can flow in even the most negative of experiences. Life is what we make it and by seeing that rainbow through all the rain, we can discover greatness within ourselves. We can all be better people – if we give ourselves the chance.

Peace, Love and Light to All x x x