I’m standing in my kitchen. I’m rushing around with pots on the stove and I’m desperately trying to finish my cooking. I’m stressed. I can hear my baby in the background, crying. I can’t see him.

“My Dikro (baby), don’t cry. Mummy’s coming with your food. It won’t be long, I promise”

I wake up in a panic, crying uncontrollably. I had been dreaming. Dreaming about my son.

I looked at Kevin.

“Our son, he’s hungry. I need to feed him. He’s asking me for food”

I truly believe that at that point in time, Shayen was telling me that he was hungry. I got up, made some chapatti and went outside to feed the birds. I did this for many days after losing Shayen. There is such a positive feeling in feeding others – animals or people. I believed that I was feeding my son by feeding the birds. People think I’m crazy when I say that. But when you’re grieving, you do things – anything – to make yourself feel a little bit better. If there’s anything you can do to make that pain – that awful, gut wrenching pain – feel a little bit better – do it. Do what your heart tells you to do. In keeping with the idea of feeding people, we also decided to donate some money to feed children in Kenya and India. The children we gave to do not lead lives as privileged as we do. In fact, for them, a nice meal or treat can mean the world.

When we left the hospital after losing Shayen, we insisted that we would go back everyday to see our baby. The midwives had said we could go back whenever we wanted. However, after coming home, we felt it would just be too painful to go and see him everyday. And even more painful to leave him everyday. The emotion would be too much. So we agreed that going back to the hospital wasn’t a good idea for us.

We initially only wanted our immediate family around us, despite lots of people wanting to come and see us. Everyone understood and respected our wishes. We were completely overwhelmed with the messages, calls, flowers etc that we received. People just wanted us to know that they were thinking of us. We received a huge number of requests from friends and family asking us if we were collecting money for any charities. We hadn’t really thought about this but with our home feeling more and more like a florist everyday, I just couldn’t see more money being spent on flowers (as lovely as they were and don’t get me wrong we appreciated all of the flowers that were sent to us). So we spoke to a charity called SaiSruti Charitable Trust that is quite close to our hearts who we donate to regularly. We know the people who run this charity quite well and asked them if it would be possible for us to start collecting money for them to build a playground at either a school or orphanage they work with in India. The charity quickly set up a donation option for Shayen which allowed people to donate directly to them. I will keep posting updates on the playground development once we have more details. We asked that the theme for the playground be rainbows.

And speaking of rainbows. In the days and weeks following Shayen’s passing, we kept seeing rainbows. Not just now and again. In fact we saw one everyday for a while. Rainbows aren’t something we usually see a lot. This is why I call Shayen my rainbow baby. Now I know that the common meaning of the term “rainbow baby” is a baby born to someone following a miscarriage or stillbirth. But the term means so much more to me. Every time I see a rainbow it’s like my son is telling me he’s there. And that brings me so much peace.

We started thinking of funeral arrangements. We called a funeral director who the family knows. As Hindus, we usually cremate people when they pass. The reason behind this is that it is believed the soul goes on to it’s next life. However, when a baby passes the way Shayen did, it is believed that the soul has completed its life cycle and that it goes straight to heaven to be with God… so Shayen is truly an angel. This means instead of cremating Shayen, we were told it was better to bury him. We had no idea where to start with these arrangements. So the funeral director suggested first deciding where we wanted to bury him. Once we had decided on a cemetery, he could make arrangements for a plot to be given to us.

That first weekend without Shayen is a bit of a blur. We went to see a cemetery the funeral director had recommended. It was close to home and apparently had an area just for children. Before this day, I had always been very scared of cemeteries. However, this one was so peaceful and calm. We walked around it and saw lots of graves that had been decorated. We saw people who were visiting the loved ones they had lost. We even shed tears when we saw graves of children who had passed and had been laid to rest there. Kevin immediately thought it was the perfect resting place for our son.

We got home from visiting the cemetery and I burst into tears.

“I don’t want him there. He’ll be scared near all of those old graves and in a place like that. He might be scared of the dark. I can’t know he’s there all alone and scared.”

Kevin hugged me.

“Shall we find another one?”

“No. I’ll have the same feeling in any cemetery.”

“Shall we cremate him instead? Would that make you feel better?”

“No – I don’t want to burn his little body”

“Priya – we have to put him somewhere. If you don’t want him in a cemetery and don’t want to cremate him… what do you want to do with him?”

I paused for a moment to think.

“I really want to bury him in our back garden.”

We both burst out laughing. But it was the truth. I wanted him to be with me.

I ended up agreeing on the cemetery we had seen and we called the funeral director to start making plans for a plot to be bought for us. We also provisionally held a date for the funeral. It would be on Thursday 7th September. That being dependent on the funeral parlour being able to collect Shayen from the hospital within the right time. And in order for them to do that, we needed to go and register his death.

So the next day, my mother in law, Kevin and I went to the registry office. There were so many emotions flooding me on this day. We should have been going to register his birth – not his death. The registry office was near where I worked and I was so worried about bumping into someone I knew. It was lunchtime when we went so people would be on their lunch breaks. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing anyone. Luckily, I didn’t see anyone I knew and the appointment didn’t last very long at all. On the way back to the car, we passed a flower stall and some garden ornaments caught my eye. Bumble bees and a big metal flower that you could put into the ground. I thought that these would make Shayen’s grave look bright and colourful. I also remembered a huge rainbow windmill I saw in John Lewis and thought I had to get that for his grave too. We talked more in the car about the funeral arrangements. We wanted it to be all rainbows and colours and wanted to keep it small. Just our parents and siblings. We decided not to have any of the children there as they were all too young. Everyone was to be dressed in bright colours and Kevin suggested a colour for each person attending. We would order brightly coloured ties in each colour of the rainbow for the men to wear with their suits. And we would just tell each lady to wear one of the colours.

We had managed to get the necessary paperwork from the registry office and decided to drop it to the funeral parlour, who told us that the funeral date could now be confirmed for Thursday. They would make arrangements to go and get Shayen from the hospital. They also told us to give them some clothes that they could put him in for the funeral.

“I want to come and get him ready”

So we decided that we would come to the funeral parlour on the day before the funeral to get Shayen ready.

We also discussed how the day would go and started to talk about the actual funeral being conducted from the funeral parlour. Neither Kevin or I thought twice about this. It wasn’t until later that evening when my friend asked if we were bringing Shayen home did we start to really think. Of course I wanted to bring him home. I wanted him to come home so that we could conduct his last funeral rites from our house – his home. So we called the funeral director to ensure arrangements were made for Shayen to be brought home before going to bury him in the cemetery.

There was so much to organise. I needed clothes for him. I had grows already but the one we had put him in when he was born was slightly too small as Shayen was quite tall. I wanted a “Born in 2017” one. Plus a hat, mittens and blanket. I wrote a poem for Shayen and wanted it printed onto a white blanket (massive thanks to Nisha and Sachin at Chutney Baby for very quickly being able to not only provide me with a gorgeous white blanket, but also being able to print the poem I had written onto it). We also felt Shayen needed a pillow so ordered a small white one with the words “Our Baby Brother Shayen” embroidered onto it.

We wanted Shayen to have so many things with him for his final journey. And we wanted all of our family to be able to be part of the send off. So we asked Shayen’s cousins to give us a toy each. Something they would have played with with Shayen. And bless them they gave us a toy car, a rattle, a ball. My niece Anisa even gave one of her cuddly bunnies. In our family, every child has a bunny that they sleep with at night. Anisa told us that she thought Shayen would need a bunny to go to sleep with.

If there’s any advice I could give anyone going through this – it’s do everything your heart wants. You never want to look back and think you missed something. I only had a few days to get organised so I sat down with my cousin Reena and wrote lists. My Reena literally did everything I asked her. I decided I wanted some charms – one for me, one for Niva and one for Shayen. I decided I wanted Shayen to have a set of ‘maniya’. Traditionally, maniya are bracelets of black and gold beads that are given to newborn babies by their grandparents. It is said that they are worn by babies and children to protect them against anything that might cause them harm. I wanted Shayen to have one bracelet and I would keep the other. I also wanted Shayen to have a ‘raakhi’ from Niva which I decided to make myself. I ended up making one made up of rainbow coloured thread. Niva’s sister protection would always therefore be with Shayen.

Although we had lots of flowers at home, we decided to order Shayen’s name in rainbow flowers. Kevin’s sister found and ordered these for us and they were absolutely beautiful. Shayen’s name still sits on his grave as the ribbon around each letter it still visible.

Lastly, we asked everyone coming to the funeral to bring something from them to put in Shayen’s coffin if they felt they wanted to. Each set of parents wanted to put in a murti which is a small statue of God. Our siblings wanted to put in the toys their children had decided to give. My sister in law wrote Shayen a letter. Reena wanted to put in a piece of her jewellery with a shooting star pendent. All things that meant something to them.

The two days before the funeral were the hardest of my life. I had this constant knot in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I kept shaking. Kevin and I sat and decided on an itinerary for the day. What time Shayen should come home. What music we wanted playing – our playlist took us ages to put together. There was a CD called The Bhajan Lounge that I had started listening to when I was pregnant with Shayen and he used to go absolutely crazy when I listened to it – kicking and moving lots. I wanted these songs incorporated into the day. We were told that all we needed to do in terms of funeral rites was put some salt into Shayen’s coffin. Salt is a way of purifying surroundings. The rest of the time was up to us. We chose a few prayers to recite and then allowed some time for everyone to put what they wanted into the coffin. Kevin and I also wanted 10 minutes alone with Shayen. I wanted to read him a bedtime story and I also wrote him a letter that I wanted to read to him. I looked through the memory box that had been given to us from the hospital. Inside was a miniature version of the book “Guess How Much I Love You” – the perfect story to read to my baby.

The day before the funeral was Wednesday. I started mentally preparing myself for going to the funeral parlour to get Shayen ready. I felt sick. How was I supposed to do this? The drive there was quiet. Kevin and I along with his mum went together. Mum really came for moral support in case we found it too hard. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to show my baby that I was OK and I wanted to do the things mums do everyday in the best way possible – clean him, change him, talk to him. It was my last proper moments with him and I wanted to cherish them in every way I could.

When we arrived, we were taken to the back room which was cold and had lots of steel surfaces. Shayen was lying on a surface, wrapped up in a blanket wearing the clothes I had put on him a week ago. I scanned the room and on the other side was a small white coffin with Shayen’s name on it.

“Hey little man.”

I didn’t cry. I didn’t shake. I slowly started to unwrap my baby. I talked to him all the time, telling him about his family, what we would have done and played together, the places we would have visited. We sang bhajans to him. I carefully changed his nappy and put some fresh clothes on him. I wrapped him in one blanket and we placed him inside the coffin. The white satin was so silky. I then covered him with the blanket with my poem on it and we placed his pillow above his head. We then left the room and Shayen was taken to a prayer room to rest. We let mum have a few moments with Shayen on her own. My mother in law is the strongest lady I know. I hadn’t seen her cry at all during this awful experience and if she had she had done it away from us. Once mum had finished, Kevin and I went in. There were pictures of Hindu Gods all around the room – it was peaceful. Prayers were playing in the background. My little boy was in his little coffin in the middle of the room. I looked around at each picture.

“You have my boy now. Please make sure you look after him. Please give us the strength to carry on.”

We talked to him some more. Then we sang some bhajans to him. Leaving him was the hardest part. It’s like a piece of my heart stayed with him every time I left him. I felt that tug telling me it wasn’t right to leave my baby. But we gathered enough courage to leave again and headed home. That evening and night were the longest and hardest. We hardly slept and I kept thinking I was going to be sick. The next day we were going to be saying our final goodbye to our baby boy.