Baby boy, I wake up and think of you. I go to sleep and think of you. You are that fire that burns inside me, that determination to make a change, to help others. I promise to make you proud. I promise to be the best mummy to you and your sisters.
2 years ago today Shayen came into our world. 2 years on and I’d like to say that we’ve “moved on”. That we’ve “snapped out of it”. That we’ve “come to terms with it”. – whatever “it” is.
These are some of the various quotes that have been said to me over the years. Especially now that I have my third baby Kiera. Am I expected to just forget about Shayen and how we lost our son because I have another baby?? Do I not speak about him anymore? Am I being “ungrateful” because I apparently have “everything I’ve ever wanted”??
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be a loss mum. Being a mum to an angel has changed me. It’s changed who I am and I won’t ever be the person I was ever again.
You see, when Shayen died, a piece of me died with him. You can’t just “get over” losing a child. That’s not how this works. You don’t ever forget or forgive for that matter. Forgive God, the universe… I’m not actually quite sure who or what I’m angry at.
But I digress. It’s my angel boys 2nd birthday and this year I’d like to talk about something very close to my heart. When I went into labour with Shayen, I was at home. I spent a whole night in labour before going into hospital. After hearing those awful words “im so sorry… your baby… it’s gone” I was in a whirlwind of emotions and physically I was still labouring. It was absolutely awful being wheeled through an antenatal unit to have a scan to confirm our loss. Knowing that there was a room full of pregnant women just outside. It was gut wrenching to be in a birthing room with women just down the corridor giving birth to healthy crying babies. Looking back, the environment where we were able to make our once only memories with Shayen was also quite cold and sterile. Don’t get me wrong – I couldn’t have wished for a more amazing group of midwives at Hillingdon who gave me care that was out of this world. The surroundings could definitely have been improved though.
So this year, to mark Shayen’s 2nd Birthday, we’re officially kicking off a fundraising project to help Hillingdon Hospital build a bereavement suite. This will allow parents and families of lost babies the dignity, respect and time they deserve at such an emotional and tragic time. This project is going to be huge and our target is to raise £50000 over the course of a year, with various fundraising activities and events planned. We’re asking our friends and family to help us by helping with the fundraising effort, essentially starting something we’d like to call “the Shayen Vara effect!”. We have already raised over £5000 in the last month and with everyone’s help I’m sure we’ll get to our target. Below is a link to the JustGiving page we have set up in case people want to make donations. Our friends are also setting up their own pages for challenges they are undertaking for our cause (Kevin even dressed up as Mr T for a week!)
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/hillingdonhospitalbereavementsuite
Time definitely does not heal the wound of baby loss. 30 years from now, I know I will still feel the same pain of losing Shayen. If I went on to have 50 more children, that piece of my heart that Shayen has will still always be missing. However my son has taught me so much and is still teaching me the real value of life. Big things are coming and that drive and determination to help others is something that I will continue to do for the rest of my days.
Happy 2nd Angel Birthday my Shayen. I hope that you are dancing somewhere up there today. And wishing my superhero husband Kevin a super Happy Birthday. I know today sucks. I know your birthday will never feel the same again. But you know what? It’s also quite cool to have my favourite boys share this very special day.