As I sit here on the eve of what should have been my son’s 1st birthday, I find myself struggling to find words to accurately express how I’m feeling. In the last year, so much has happened and so much has changed. I’ve changed, my family has changed. On a day that should have been full of happiness and completeness, I find myself feeling the anger associated with how unfair life is but at the same time feeling at peace. He should be here with us. And I’m positive that in his own way, he is. 

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to Niva, Happy Birthday to you”… we sang softly as we crept into Niva’s room holding a blueberry muffin with a candle in it. We always woke Niva up like this on her birthday. This year she had even reminded us to buy a cake and a candle for her birthday morning.

Niva looked up grinning from ear to ear. My heart melted seeing my child so happy. Then in that moment I suddenly felt an overwhelming sadness sweep over me. It would be my Shayen’s first angel birthday in just 3 days and I was never going to be able to wake him up like this. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart but quickly brushed it aside, focusing instead on Niva and making her day special.

A year has passed. Yes a whole year… 12 months… 52 weeks… 365 days. How on Earth did that happen? Did we really just go through all of that in just a year? Some mornings I still wake up thinking that it was all just a bad dream. And oh how I wish that was true. The emotions associated with losing a child are so up and down. Just like on Niva’s birthday morning when I went from feeling extreme happiness to utter sadness in a split second, I find that life is generally like that now. I never know what’s going to trigger my feelings and it’s emotionally draining. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a depressed wreck anymore (although I could have been had I not learnt how to manage and control my emotions). I’ve come a long way in my healing journey. I’m just a mother without her child, learning how to continue living life with a piece of my heart missing.

The build up to this day has been painful. I’ve had knots in my stomach for weeks and this cloud formed over our home which was the underlying tension that had started to build up. I was dreading this day – we both were. I struggled with what to do to mark the day. A part of me wanted to celebrate Shayen and all of the wonderful things he has done since he came into our lives. Another part of me wanted to get into bed, sleep and wake up when it was all over. What makes this day so much more painful is the fact that it’s also Kevin’s birthday. And this year is a big birthday for him. What was I supposed to do? Try and think of ways to celebrate his birthday even though I knew he didn’t want to? Should I organise cakes? How many? 2? Would he even want a cake? How would we ever be able to celebrate his birthday again? All of these thoughts kept running around in my head and to be honest they started to make my head spin.

So we talked and decided to spend the day just the three of us. We were going to head out for the day to a zoo and then stop for pizza on the way home. I decided that Niva and I (along with a LOT of help from a few Baking Girls) would bake a rainbow layered cake which would be cut for both Kevin and Shayen on the day. We would visit the cemetery and put some balloons and flowers on Shayen’s grave. We would try and keep the day as up lifted as possible but we would also just go along with whatever we felt as the day went on. Hopefully this plan will work out. I know we’ll all feel a lot better after the day passes.

I really wish today was different. I wish so much that I didn’t need to write this post in this way. But God made this day special for me. Two of the most important people in my life came into the world today. 40 years ago, Kevin was born. The kindest most amazing person I have ever know. A year ago today, our angel Shayen came into our lives. Even though we will never know the person that Shayen would have become, he has taught us to cherish each and every moment we have on this Earth and to appreciate all that we have. His memory will live on through us forever. It’s true – even the smallest of feet have the power to leave everlasting footprints on this Earth.

Happy 1st Angel Birthday Our Darling Baby Boy. We hope you’re singing and dancing through the clouds today x x x