“Mummy, when is Baby Shayen coming home? I want to play with him – can you go and get him from Jai Jai please?”

I looked at Niva. I could feel the tears start to come into my eyes. How could I make her understand something that I didn’t understand myself? Even months after losing Shayen, Niva still asks this question regularly.

It was 4pm when we came home from the hospital the day after we lost Shayen. I just wanted to see Niva and cuddle her. We couldn’t bring ourselves to explain what had happened so we didn’t. And although Niva was looking at me like something was different, she didn’t ask us any questions. She must have noticed that my huge tummy was a lot smaller and I’m sure she sensed the sadness in us. However, we didn’t want to have the discussion with her late in the day when we knew she would be going to sleep in a few hours. So we just spent that evening cuddling and playing with her.

The next morning Niva came charging into our room at 6am, like she always does. She jumped into bed with us and we started talking like we normally do. We decided it was time to tell her. Neither Kevin or I knew how or what we were going to say so we just followed her lead. We started to explain that mummy had had a baby in her tummy and that it had been a little boy named Shayen. But Shayen wasn’t coming home as he had gone to “Jai Jai”. Jai Jai is how we describe God to the children in our family. Niva understands this concept and we pray to Jai Jai everyday. Kevin’s grandmother (we called her Mota Mummy) had died earlier in the year and this is exactly how we had explained that loss to Niva.

“Is Baby Shayen with Mota Mummy? Is she looking after him now?”

I was a little taken back by her response and her ability to be able to associate the two so quickly. Children are so much cleverer than we give them credit for. So I went along with her way of thinking.

“Yes Niva – he’s with Mota Mummy with Jai Jai and she will always look after him now”

“But Mummy I’ll miss him. Can he come for a little while?”

A huge lump had started forming in my throat.

“Baby Shayen isn’t going to be coming home. He has to stay with Jai Jai now. I miss him too bubba.”

Niva then got up and started playing. She didn’t really say much more at the time. I had expected that and knew the questions would probably come along every now and again, probably when I least expected them.

Sibling relationships are so amazing. I have a brother. Kevin has a sister. I will never forget the look on both of their faces when they saw us in hospital on the day Shayen was born. It’s like they felt every bit of our pain. We treat our nieces and nephews like our own. So for them it was like losing one of their own. The love and support between a brother and sister is truly unconditional. No matter what we go through and how much we might mess up, we know we have each other’s support NO MATTER WHAT. Similarly, although Shayen isn’t here, I know Niva has embraced him as her brother. She talks about him being a star and we look for the brightest star in the sky regularly so she can see him. She knows that although he isn’t here, he is looking after her from above. She speaks about him so openly to others and always explains that he is a star, with Jai Jai and Mota Mummy. People don’t really know what to say to her but I let her speak about him freely. I don’t ever want her to hold back on how she feels.

I used to hide my tears from Niva. Go upstairs and have a cry away from her so she didn’t see me sad. I’m learning that the best way to help children deal with grief is to show them your grief. Bereavement on any level is a natural part of life. Although it’s painful and very sad with so many emotions, we have to accept that it’s the circle of life. People are born… and people die. Death is ultimately in everyone’s future. I’ve come to the conclusion that Niva needs to see that it’s OK to feel all of these emotions we try so hard to shield her from – sadness, anger, frustration. It’s important that she knows everyone goes through them and they are perfectly normal. It is even more important that I teach her how to deal with such emotions. Instead of hiding my tears from her, I now cry in front of her if I’m down. I explain to her that I’m missing Shayen and ask her for cuddles. I ask if we can sit for a minute to remember him. This has allowed her to openly tell me when she’s missing him and when she feels sad. Over Christmas, we used rock painting as a way of channeling our emotions. We literally had paints and rocks covering our dining table for a whole week and every so often Kevin, Niva and I would go to the table and just start painting. It was a way for us to release our emotions.

The following day we decided to show Niva a photo of Shayen. We let her decide where she wanted to put it in the house and she chose the top of the fireplace in our living room. So that’s where Shayen’s photo stayed. Every morning, she comes downstairs and says “Good Morning” to Shayen. Sometimes when she’s playing I can hear her referring to him. He is very much a part of her life and that makes me so happy. Whilst preparing for Shayen’s funeral (my next post will go into a lot more detail about this) I made sure I covered as much of their brother-sister relationship as I could. The festival of Raksha Bandhan has always been an important one in our lives. This day celebrates the bond between siblings. Sisters tie strings called “raakhi’s” on their brother’s wrists. The raakhi provides protection to a brother. Every year, I make my brother his raakhi and when I tie it, I wish him health, wealth and happiness and I ask that the raakhi protects him against anything that may cause him harm. A sister’s protection is so powerful. I decided that Shayen should always have his sister’s protection wherever he was going. So I made a multi-coloured raakhi for him from Niva and placed the raakhi on him. I also had a few charms made with Shayen’s name engraved on one side and Niva’s name engraved on the other. I gave one charm to Shayen, I wear one around my neck and I have one which I will give to Niva when she gets older. Lastly, I got two of the same teddy bears – Shayen has one and Niva has one. I want to be able to explain all of these things to Niva when she is older to ensure she knows that her sisterly love was very much reflected in our preparations for Shayen’s send off.

What has been the hardest to manage is Niva with other babies. A few months after Shayen passed away, my brother and sister in law welcomed their own baby boy into the world. This brought so many questions from Niva. She couldn’t understand why their baby was staying and not going to Jai Jai – or why Shayen didn’t stay instead of going to Jai Jai. We had to keep explaining to her the fact that not all babies go to Jai Jai the way Shayen did. That Shayen was special which is why he had to go. It’s tough explaining these concepts to a 3 year old. Especially when they are so hard for us to get our heads around.

A brother is a brother for life. Just like a sister is a sister for life. Although Shayen isn’t here physically, he is still and always will be Niva’s baby brother. We have managed to integrate him into our family as a son, a brother, a nephew and a grandson. And yes it hurts… it hurts so badly to not have him here. But I do believe our family has a special unique part to it now. Our guardian angel. Our shining light.