Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child will have this thought in their head over this festive period. All we want for Christmas is our children. Back with us. Healthy and happy. But sadly, no matter how good we’ve been, Santa cannot make that wish come true. It’s for this reason that I wanted to write a post on Christmas and share the ways I have been coping with the run up to this holiday.

This Christmas is especially sensitive for me. It was exactly this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Shayen. I took a pregnancy test just days before Christmas Day. I keep remembering how I felt last year. All of the hopes and dreams I had. The expectations of what this Christmas should have been like. It makes everything ten times harder.

Will Christmas ever be the same again? I doubt it. I do feel a little bit “bah humbug” this year, but we’re doing so many positive things to make the holiday special for us and for Niva. This is the first year she really understands so although every bone in my body just wants to sleep through the next few weeks, I’m carrying on for her.

1. The Festive Feeling

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put decorations up this year. But I’ve always been a sucker for Christmas and just couldn’t resist. So we took all of our decorations out from the shed on the last weekend in November and decorated our house. Two Christmas trees later, after a lot of laughing and fun singing Christmas songs, the house felt warm. I could feel Shayen. So much so that I have decided to host Christmas Day for my family. My mum was originally going to have all of us over to her house. The thought being that if I needed to leave at any point, I could. However, I feel like I need to be close to Shayen on that day and if that means being at home, so be it.

We have a number of personalised decorations for Niva and I wanted to also ensure that Shayen shone proudly on our tree. I’d like to thank #soulcystercreations for the beautiful ornament they made for us. Angel wings for my guardian angel. And of course our Christmas tree now wouldn’t be complete without a rainbow ornament!

2. Chinese Lanterns

As Hindus, we believe in reincarnation. However, it is also believed that when a soul leaves us the way Shayen did – without taking a breath or saying a word in this life – that soul goes straight to heaven to be with God. This is why I know my son is up there with the other angels. Chinese lanterns symbolise the wish for a brighter future. We want our futures to be bright with Shayen watching over us. Our real guardian angel. So we’ve bought a number of Chinese lanterns in a whole range of colours in keeping with our rainbow theme for our boy. We plan on releasing the lanterns on Christmas Day and also over the holidays as we meet with different family members.

3. Remembering Our Midwives

My midwives were my rock. I cannot ever thank them enough for everything they did for us during our time in hospital. I think about my midwives a lot and wonder how they cope in the jobs they do. So we plan on visiting our hospital either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to give the maternity team on duty some Christmas treats. It’s the least we can do for them if they are working on Christmas Day!

4. I Love You All The Way To The Moon…. And Back

We’ve booked to see a number of shows this year but one which has been closest to my heart is the “Guess How Much I Love You” production at the Arts Theatre in London. Most of you will know this children’s book. It holds a special place in our hearts as this is the book I read to Shayen on the day of his funeral. After reading it to him, I placed a copy in his coffin as every child needs a good bedtime story to go to sleep with. The production was very emotional for us but we shared the day with some good friends and their children and even got to have a meet and greet with Little and Big Nutbrown Hare!

5. Rock Painting

I was recently inspired by an article I read on rock painting. I want our family and friends to think about and remember my son over Christmas. So I visited our local garden centre and picked up a huge bag of rocks. I then made up boxes of rocks with acrylic paint sets and added notes to each box asking people to paint a rock for Shayen over the holidays. I plan on making rock painting an exercise we also do with our immediate family on Christmas Day.  We will then use the painted rocks to decorate Shayen’s grave. If we have lots of rocks, I might also put a few in my garden and create a “remembrance corner” with a bird feeder.

6. Living Lockets

I came across living lockets whilst surfing the net one day. These are basically lockets with small charms in them. You can select the charms depending on the locket you want to design. I have created one using angel wings, a rainbow, Shayen’s birthstone and a few others. I think this will be a lovely piece of jewellery to remind me of my son. I bought mine from a company called Pendique Lockets but there are quite a few companies out there.

7. My Rainbow Mugs

I love drinking tea. Nothing makes me happier. I found someone who makes rainbow glitter mugs and asked her to make me a set of 6. I had 6 different rainbow quotes written on the mugs. The thought behind this was that we could be inspired by each quote when drinking our cups of tea in the morning. The hope being the quotes will make us stronger and happier on our dark days.

 

8. “Saying Goodbye” Posts on Christmas Day

Many of you will have seen my recommendations on a book called “Saying Goodbye”. Reading this book was a massive turning point for me in my grieving process. I started following the “Saying Goodbye” facebook page soon after reading the book and love the quotes and information shared on this page. Saying Goodbye is a charity supporting all who have lost a baby in pregnancy, at birth or in early years. On Christmas Day, from 7am until 11pm, they will be sharing hourly posts to help people like me get through the day. It’s like they say exactly how I feel so I know I will appreciate these words on what will be a very difficult day.

And Finally…

Please remember that there is no “right way or wrong way” to grieve. We do what we can in the process to enable us to wake up everyday and put one foot in front of the other. And if there are days we just want to stay in bed – that’s OK too. Do whatever you need to to get through.

Happy Christmas all. Remembering all the children who won’t get to be here to open their presents this year. Be kind to yourselves and to each other.

Peace, Love and Light to All.