“When Santa got stuck up the chimney, he began to SHOUT. You girls and boys won’t get any toys if you don’t pull me OUT. My beard is black, there’s soot in my sack, my nose is tickley tooooo. When Santa got stuck up the chimmmneeeyyyy… Achoo, Achoo ACHOOOO!”
I’m sitting by the pool on a very hot day in Dubai. We’ve come on holiday and this is the song that my 3 year old daughter Niva has decided to sing… over and over again. I’m smiling as it’s my favourite Christmas song. I look out at the sea and think about how amazing it would be for two of my children to be singing this song. For two to be playing in the pool and splashing around with us. For two to just be here.
Rewind to 3 months ago. 27th August 2017. A hot summer’s day. Me, heavily pregnant, waddling around, overdue and trying to organise some sort of family gathering for my daughter’s birthday. My little girl was turning 3! I wanted to make the day extra special for her as I knew that there would be another birthday at around the same time next year that I would need to organise. We borrowed a bouncy castle from a friend and put it in the garden, prepared lots of food for a BBQ and called our parents and siblings over. Niva loved her cousins so it was going to be the perfect day for her.
It had been a very tough pregnancy. Having literally lived on salad and water for the last 9 months, with severe sickness (I’m not even going to call it morning sickness as that would be a lie) and low iron. I was looking forward to getting this baby out and not being pregnant anymore. Just writing those words now makes me so sad as I would give anything to be back there again and would just be grateful for those sick days knowing that my child was living inside me.
We talked with the family that day about all sorts. How best to help Niva cope with the change that was about to come into our lives. We had bought her a scooter from the baby which we planned on giving her upon baby arrival. What names we had chosen. There were a few girls names that we liked but no boys names had made it onto our list. We hadn’t found out the sex of the baby as we wanted it to be a surprise. It was that day my sister in law suggested “Shayen”. Shayen Vara. It had a nice ring to it. Little did we know just how special this name was going to be or how many wonderful things this name was going to stand for.
The day after Niva’s birthday was a bank holiday Monday. This particular Monday was the most beautiful day ever. I will always remember it. Me and my little family. My husband Kevin, my daughter Niva. At home – completely chilled out. We spent the day in the garden. Ate good food, listened to good music. I reflected on my life a lot and started looking forward to the new beginning we were about to have. I felt happy. I thanked God over and over again that night for blessing us with so much love and so much happiness. A part of me felt a little bit sad that our dynamic would be changing. It would never be “just the three of us” ever again. We had enjoyed the last 3 years with Niva so much. But life is all about change. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. And even now, it will never ever be just the three of us again.
The next day, I went into labour. The early signs that is. It was Tuesday afternoon and I had just spent a lovely morning with a good friend and her baby boy. It was very early labour signs and in my head I went into autopilot mode. I needed to get Niva home, feed and bath her and put her to bed. Then I was happy for labour to progress. Like I had any choice in the matter right??
Surprisingly, I managed to do all of those things. People had told me that giving birth the second time would progress quickly and that labour should be easier. WRONG. I put Niva to bed. Ate dinner. It was 10pm before I knew it and I was still only having mild contractions. We called my parents who had agreed to come and look after Niva if we needed to go to the hospital. We were sure that we would need to go to the hospital sometime during the night. WRONG.
The whole night was spent in the living room, drifting into short spurts of sleep but being woken quickly with the pain of a contraction. We listened to bhajans (Indian devotional songs) all night – the Gayatri Mantra, Shiv Mantras, Hanuman Chalisa. I felt in control and felt my baby moving and kicking. We were actually still at home when Niva woke up at 6am the next morning. It was Wednesday 30th August. Kevin’s birthday. My brother’s birthday. My auntie’s birthday. It looked like God had plans for yet another birthday to now fall on this day! Kevin was smiling saying “I knew the baby would come today – I just knew it!”.
My parents got Niva ready and she went off to nursery. I distinctly remember telling her that the next time we saw her, we would be introducing her to her baby brother or sister. Those words will haunt me forever. I had always called Niva ‘my velcro baby’. She had been very very attached to me every since she was born and I worried that she would find another child in the family difficult. 9 months ago, before I had even done my pregnancy test I saw changes in Niva. She suddenly became even more attached to me, always wanting me to do everything with her. She definitely knew I was pregnant before I did! So we had spent months preparing her. Reading her books, allowing her to help choose things for the baby, including her as much as possible. This was so important as it allowed her to feel part of the whole change and made her understand the changes that I was going through physically.
Once Niva had left, we decided that it was time to start getting ready to go to the hospital. I was in a lot of pain now and my contractions were more intense and closer together. Kevin made me have a very small bite to eat, helped me shower and freshen up and we got my bag and settled into the car. We felt happy, excited and nervous. It’s funny because although I was sick and had quite a miserable pregnancy, I never ever worried about my baby. I felt it kicking away and moving a lot throughout my pregnancy. Even just before leaving home to go to the hospital, I could still feel him kicking. Which is why what happened next is so utterly heartbreaking.
I could barely walk into the hospital. My contractions were now so strong. We were ushered straight into a room where two very kind midwives settled me onto a bed and started performing their usual checks. Blood pressure – fine. Urine – fine. Baby’s heart beat… baby’s heart beat? The Doppler device just couldn’t pick it up. We didn’t panic at this point as there were a number of reasons why a doppler might not pick up a heart beat. The baby was probably just lying in an awkward position which was making it hard to detect a heart beat.
I was taken down to the birthing suite where in a room of our own, a young man came in with a small scanner. There were 5 midwives with us now. I was still contracting like crazy. The cold monitor touched my tummy and the man started moving it around. One by one, I saw all 5 midwives faces drop. I looked up at Kevin and said “why are they all looking like that?”
“I’m so sorry” said the young man.
“What is he sorry about??”
“Your baby… it’s gone. There is no heart beat.”
And just like that, in that one second, I felt my whole world start to collapse around me.
I am so proud of you for sharing such a personal heartbreaking story. I pray for peace and strength for you, Kevin and your family x
Very proud of you for writing this blog, I know you’re strength and courage is going to help so many other mothers who ate suffering in silence …. Many of whom you’ll never hear about because it is still such a taboo.
Such a lovely and emotional writing, Priya. I can imagine your pain as I was into tears while reading your blog😢
I’m sure little Shayen will have his beautiful light shining on you and your family always.
Tears are prayers too, they travel to God when we can’t speak!
Lots of Love and my prayers to you xx
Hello. I know Tina and your story is so utterly sad. You and your husband must have died a little inside that day. I read your blog and cried. Words are never enough but you have a gorgeous daughter to enjoy and love. Things will get easier in time. God Bless him he will take care of your baby.
Priya I am so sorry for your loss. I felt so sad and even cried reading ur experiences I cannot understand how tough these past months have been but to start this blog is part of your healing and I fully support this.
Everything in this life happens for a specific season and God makes these thing happen not out of spite but everything that happens whether good or bad is for the best. Only God knows the reasons and we will find out things in the near future which will all make sense of why God did this for example he may have saved a certain hardship your son may have had to go through and God may have known you may not be able to cope with these problems. Or simply god may have saved complications with you at that time so he may have saved your life. Try thanking God for the desicions he has made he will give you that newborn baby when he deems it is the right time for you three. I hope this made a little sense. Our love is always with you guys… Always x
Dear Priya, deeply sorry to hear of your loss. This brought tears to my eyes. So brave of you to share your experience. Stay strong. I’m sure your little angel is smiling down on you and your family from heaven. Love and hugs for you.
My love this is written so true & Shayen will be so happy you can tell everyone about him!!!! Your big rainbow x love you lots x
Thank you my friend – love you lots x